Okay. So. This is going to be a bit long but I have found something accidentally and I think I need to share it with everyone.
I was looking at wedding kimonos on google, and there were quite a few nice ones. Traditional, modern… and then… this.
At first, I thought it was being modeled by a Real Doll, but I was VERY wrong. This is a real website, and every image I’m about to post comes from it. And it’s the most hilarious thing I have ever seen, so you can either go ahead to Japonic on your own, or just take a look at this shit.
Japonic claims to be selling traditional Japanese kimonos and clothing. I am slightly skeptical.
I mean
jesus
just… look at it. I’m pretty sure they just stole that from a hotel and are now selling them for a hundred bucks online, for one. Also, please note: No obi, no ironing, no shoes. THIS WILL BECOME SOMETHING OF A THEME IN THE COMING PHOTOS.
‘
This seems legit, right? The proper method of wearing a kimono involves posing on what looks like a porn set and showing off your… are those… bikini straps? No really, is she wearing a bikini under that? Are we sure this isn’t actually a porn still?
Of course, it’s not all inexplicable beds. Sometimes you just gotta put on a wrinkled, super shiny kimono, with no obi or shoes, and pet a non existant cat. I CANNOT EMPHASIZE ENOUGH THAT THIS IS A REAL PHOTO ON THE ACTUAL WEBSITE THEY ARE USING TO SELL CLOTHING.
Of course, they’ve got MEN’S kimonos too. And Jesus Fucking Christ.
It’s Young College Republican-san, here to show why HE’S President of the Anime Club in THIS town!
This pattern physically hurts my eyes to look at. I have no idea why it’s so short, or why no one had a steamer on hand to take care of that giant wrinkle, and yet the wig STILL manages to be the worst part of this.
THIS IS STILL A TOTALLY SERIOUS IMAGE ACTUALLY POSTED ONLINE FOR THE PURPOSES OF SELLING CLOTHING. I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT SOMEONE LOOKED AT THIS PHOTO AND THOUGHT, “YES, I WANT TO BE THAT GUY. I WANT TO OPEN MY TOTALLY SUGOI DRAGON AND TIGER KIMONO TO SHOW OFF MY GOLDEN CHAIN AND CHEST CARPET. I AM GOING TO BE A FUCKING PUSSY MAGNET.”
But you see, this turned out to be the best part of the website. Because they also have listings for VINTAGE kimonos, listed at hundreds of dollars. And these are actually quite beautiful. Unlike their ‘modern’ kimonos, they look authentic. Lovely patterns and fine threads, and claims that they are from the 60’s and 50’s.
And that is the most depressing thing I can imagine.
Because somehow, these beautiful kimonos found their way to Japonic fucking dot com.
I want you to look at that. It’s beautiful. There’s a giant golden peacock embroidered across the back. You can almost TASTE the despair that led to it’s sale. It was a family heirloom, a treasure, but treasures don’t pay the bills. Times are rough, and the power has to stay on. This will never be worn correctly again, not even in the photoshoot to sell it. Where once it was worn with pride, now it is matched with a shitty wig and an even shittier kimono. It was sold. I can only assume someone used it to dress their Real Doll.
And then there’s this guy. In a beautiful silk kimono with a truly stunning color and an eagle proudly painted on the back. Just looking at him, you can tell he uses it to peacock when he visits shitty singles bars. He probably has flashcards with negs written on it. No amount of cleaning will ever get the douche stains out of this kimono.
I don’t know why I just wrote this huge post but JESUS FUCK I have never seen anything this hilariously bad in my life.
Just… go.