I’m really… really, afraid. Of everyone.
Of my parents, of my instructors, of my boss, of my boyfriend, of my friends.
I guess that’s the best way to put it. I’m so, so fucking afraid of everyone.
And I really don’t have any reason to be. I know that I’m not going to get physically hurt, I know that I’m not going to get yelled at or smacked or degraded, but god, I’m so afraid of it.
So anytime I fuck up, I panic and hide and try to avoid things as much as possible because I don’t want to be hurt when my fuckery comes out. As stupid as that is. And it’s led to so much more trouble in my life, but I can’t stop because it’s scary. Fuck, right now, even getting a letter from my school sends me into a near panic attack because I’m terrified of how badly I fucked up on that front and I expect any day they’ll come right out and tell me I’m irredeemable and a waste of space and they’re charging me thousands for wasting their time and I should never come back.
Sometimes I wonder how I got this pathetic.