I’m making morose and pointless text posts tonight, apologies in advance
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I’ve only had one boyfriend before in my life, but sometimes I look back and realized how fucked up he left me. Even though I was happy with him, even though I was the one who broke up with him, sometimes I just… I just get angry because when I think about it, yeah. Yeah, he hurt me.
He was a really sweet kind of guy, but… I… sometimes, I felt… really unhappy. I… shouldn’t complain, but… he… didn’t often compliment me. I never really… felt like he thought I was attractive at all, ahaha. He didn’t kiss me until months in, and I was the one who had to move first. He… never tried to go any farther than that. I guess it was kind of a sexual incompatibility, which is funny to think of because we didn’t do anything.
I once mentioned that I sometimes read naughty things… and… he sort of looked at me… so disgusted, that I never wanted to tell anyone else.
He was also a young republican, which, ahahaha, why do I keep falling for them? He believed that feminism was taking away rights from men, and white people were more oppressed than anyone else, and often talked about how he as a white male would have a much harder time in life than anyone else because he was a NEW minority.
The painful thing was, I couldn’t… fight his ideas.
I would… try to make a point, like… “sexism exists” and… and I would have personal experience, and I would know that I had a point to make, but… but he was a debater. He used formal formats and techniques, and would chide me like a child if I broke any of the rules. He liked to play devil’s advocate and argue against me on things I felt strongly about, and then would tell me I was getting too emotional.
I remember really clearly being reduced to tears because I had a point I wanted to make and no matter what I said I just kept losing to him because he was keeping score.
And… so I stopped arguing.
I still don’t want to. I’m so acutely aware of how stupid I am, how my points are emotionally made and stupidly spoken. It’s really hard for me to say “No, I disagree” because ahahaha I’m so sure that the other person will just crush me and I’ll have nothing to say and how humiliating that’ll be.
I don’t know why I’m upset, really.
I’m the one at fault for ending everything. I realized… I realized I wasn’t in love with him, and I broke up with him shortly prom. I didn’t go. I… think he did.
I wanted to stay friends with him. He was a nice guy, a good friend, but… well, I heard later that he rebounded onto my best friend, and he pretty much avoided me from then on. I guess I can’t blame him.
He’s married now. I hope he’s very happy.
Sometimes I wonder if I have a right to be unhappy with him.