Well, that’s it.
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I filled out all the paperwork today. I’ve officially taken a medical leave of absence from school.
It… it was the most shameful thing.
I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. It hurt. It hurt so fucking much.
Classes end in two weeks, and here I was, clutching a little piece of paper, trying to stammer out that I couldn’t do it. That I was fucking giving up. That I couldn’t just force myself to go forward, that I was too weak. And they smiled, and they were so kind, but it still hurt so badly.
Because we all knew that I was so close.
I was definitely failing two classes, yes, but I could have forced myself into the last ones. I could have fucking tried. But I didn’t. I can’t fucking make my body behave.
It was humiliating. It’s… everything about this has been so, so humiliating.
I did everything wrong, and I knew it.
I almost cried on the way home. I’m having trouble not crying now.
This is it, huh.
I tried to do something with my life, and I end up leaving it because I’m too pathetic, too lazy, too horrible to be able to do shit.
I really, really hate myself right now.
Fuck.
Just… fuck.
….
I know that… there really isn’t… anything else I can do. I’ve already missed too many classes, and I have doctor’s appointments out here, and frankly, I’m still exhausted every single day.
And if I think about it logically, I know that this is really… my only option. It makes sense. It should be okay. No one is angry at me, no one is actually disappointed with me.
But I’m still… so… so ashamed.